The Real World

This is why....

Email from Dhar:


By the way, she calls me "Quack". It's gay as fuck but whatever.


Here you go:




"This is an IM between you and me from December. I just read it and wanted to send it on to you.

Quack says:
hows LA?
dharmini says:
same.
kind of grey yesterday.
sunny today
Quack says:
we're in the middle of a winter storm, 12 inches expected. There is already like 3 feet
very cold, lots of snow
dharmini says:
wow. how is that for you?
Quack says:
kind of tough, but I'm glad to be away from the craziness...
just need a job now
dharmini says:
do you have shoes for the snow?
I mean boots, I guess
Quack says:
my dad gave me some big ol boots
so I'm set, I guess
just really boring and quiet and lonesome
but I do like the peacefulness, if thats a word, watching the snow fall
did you go to mass last night for the feast of the immaculate conception?
ok, going to go get a water and smoke, brb...
dharmini says:
water? are you feeling ok?
Quack says:
why?

i LLLOOOVVVEEE water
dharmini says:
I did not go to mass. I had my first salsa class but no students showed up. I did not really get the word out very much, though.
I went to Mass the Sunday after Thanksgiving. I had not been to MAss in a long time. I went to St BAsil's.
I am going to Immanuel tonight for the annual holiday dinner. I am a deacon now, did you know?
Quack says:
you mentioned you were going to do that
cool
dhar the deacon
dharmini says:
yeah.
can I tell you something?
Quack says:
of course
dharmini says:
Well, I was seeing someone who wanted to get really serious really fast. I tried to go along with it but then I told him yesterday that there was no way I could do that.
There is no way in hell that I could get into a relationship right now.
Sorry
did that make you feel bad
?
Quack says:
it would be tough to do that,
now that you know what can happen
dharmini says:
i don't understand
Quack says:
i can understand how you would feel uncomfortable getting serious fast after what you went through with me
dharmini says:
you mean because we got serious really fast?
Quack says:
yeah
it takes a while to get to know someone
so, hold on, I'll brb
dharmini says:
ok
it is really nice to talk to you.
or at least IM with you
Quack says:
im back
im iming
its snowing really hard
dharmini says:
wow.
it is really weird that you are so far away.
Quack says:
i know its a shock to me too
dharmini says:
listen. the last thing I would ever want to do is to stand in the way of you doing anything that you need ro want to do. And I never want to stand in the way of you being who you need to be. I just want to support you in whatever needs to come about for you.
If you need space, please don't hesitate to tell me. I won't take it wrong at all. I won't get offended.
Quack says:
no its ok, its nice to talk to you
i miss you and your company and support
i wish things were different but i have to keep looking into the future
and accept the past for what it is
if you were here it wouldnt be so cold, but i also dont want to get in the way of you being who you need to be
dharmini says:
i was looking at our vows on Sunday night. I wanted to remember what they were and actually consider if we actually fulfilled them.
Quack says:
and
how bad did we fail?
dharmini says:
well, one of the things we promised was to learn to give and receive love with each other, in the ways the other understood love.
and in a kind of backwards way, I think we did that pretty well.
Quack says:
too bad we left out the for better or for worse stuff
dharmini says:
you and I both have some misundersatndings about how love is expressed. We each individually learned certain ways to express love that include guilt trips, manipulation, withholding what is most important to us, trying to get approval from the other, fear of abandonment.
And these are the ways we expressed our love to each other.
So I think we did pretty well with that one.
Quack says:
yeah, we both have some disfunctional ways
dharmini says:
The for better or for worse is in there. Just not in the vows. It is in the part where we take each other to be our spouse, for better or for worse and then say the I do bit.
Quack says:
i shouldn't have left, I just didn't want to make you feel so unhappy. But I take responsibility for leaving first. That was wrong, I should have stayed and did whatever it took to work through it
mentally and emotionally i was in a bad place, and unable to face it at the time. I really made some stupid choices.
dharmini says:
I hear you. I hear that you have strong feelings about all of this. and I acknowledge you for taking responsibility and looking in the mirror. I also hear some judgment.
Quack says:
if i felt then the way i do now, it wouldn't have seemed like such a mountain to climb
i could have dealt with it like an adult. I wasn't making adult decisions outside the relationship.
so i am hard on myself but i also understand that i need to be, and take responsibility for what i did wrong. no judgement, just facing the facts
dharmini says:
I agree with you about taking responsibility and facing the facts. I am also looking at myself and the things I did and could have done different.
I have also been hard on myself, flooding myself with guilt about so much.
And I also consider that if everyone else is doing the best they can with the tools that they have and I can have compassion and understanding for everyone else, why can I not have it for myself as well?
I mean what would it be like if I just took a look at how things went down and treated myself with love and understanding and forgiveness. what would it be like to forgive myself and release the judgments.
what might it be like for you to forgive yourself and release the judgments you have on yourself?
Quack says:
it would be great, but i really dont even know how to do it
dharmini says:
how are those judgments keeping chains on you and holding you back from being the magnificent person you really are?
Quack says:
i hate what i did, but i also realize it wasn't me in a sense. the "real" me is a good guy.
the me on drugs is a bastard, so i should hate the drugs
it took over my life and trapped me in a dark room where nobody could see me
nor could i remember myself
it was scary and even though i wanted to scream help i couldn't, or i muffled my own cries
i have fought some pretty huge battles with myself
but now i am stronger, and i can look back and learn how not to get trapped again
to me the biggest shame is that it happened in your presence, and i lost you because of it...
Lunch time, I'll brb, feel free to call if you want. Don't worry about contacting me, I don't feel weird about it. At first I was angry and hurt, but I have dealt with why I felt that way and they have disappeared. I enjoy conversing with you. BRB
dharmini says:
I am listening. I really hear you and I acknowledge you for expressing yourself so openly.
Quack says:
thanks
my dad just called, he wants to take me to lunch
cool, he's been really nice to me since I got back
it's been cool to be on good terms with him
so I'll talk to you soon beanz
i love you and miss you
dharmini says:
I am glad you and your dad are getting along well. Tell him I say hello if you want.
Quack says:
i will
dharmini says:
I love you and miss you, too.
QUACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Quack says:
ha
its our guy
Brennan winks:

Play "Dancer"
Quack says:
ttys
dharmini says:
OK
KEEP WARM
Quack says:
ill try